Not Taking what their giving. Cause working for a living SUCKS

Thank you for expressing interest in this position. Would you like to schedule an time to  come in for an interview?

Oh boy. WOULD I?!?!? Tis my lucky day! A job interview. If I play my cards right I just might land this coveted dream job of wearing a neon reflective vest and shagging shopping carts in a parking lot. (fingers crossed)

But I gotta play it cool. I have to ace that interview. Gotta use that panache that has made me the titan of industry that I am thus far.

I like to show up "fashionably late" for an interview. I feel an hour is pretty fashionable. Rock bands never start a concert on time. Why should I give a shit about time?

They like to start in with the hand shaking and we've gone over your resume and think you would be a perfect candidate.....

Not me! I like to get pro active. Show them how confident I am. I like to walk in. Look around the room and pause a second, then make comment how this room has amazing feng shui (big words impress and show that your educated and cultured) Then proceed to throw a chair out the nearest window....It had bad energy. Ripping a rather steamy frozen Mexican dinner tinged aromatic fart when you walk in and shooting the interviewer a wink is also first impression gold.

Please, take a seat...

I usually say I would like to. But, due to a ruptured hemorrhoid I find sitting on chairs challenging. Mind if I lay on the floor?

Then they want to talk about the job.

I hate lying to people, so I like to lay my cards on the table first.

Look...dude (always scores points when interviewing with a woman) Lets dispense with the formalities, the only reason why I got up before 3PM today to come here is two fold. A: The great state in which I live told me they would cut my unemployment stipend if I didn't actively look for employment. I can't....no I WONT let them take that away from me, its afforded me this lifestyle Ive grown accustomed to. A rich and rewarding life of sleeping all day. Not showering for days on end. Watching every porno the internet has to offer and masterbating into a tube sock. and B: The old lady mentioned something in passing that if I didn't get off my lazy ass and go "look" for a job me and my shit would be on the front yard. So, that's what brings me here today. If you want to sit around and shoot the shit for a while about this job. That cool, I got time before I have to catch the bus.