Sunday, December 18, 2011

Some Tebow Love

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=lc-carpenter_tim_tebow_alex_smith_draft_broncos_121411

If you can stomach all this and finish reading it your better than me. 

This was great:

“A lot of people are comparing you to Alex Smith because you run the same offense … ” Herock started when Tebow suddenly cut him off.
“Now hold on there, Mr. Herock,” Tebow said. “That’s where the comparisons end. I won the Heisman Trophy. I won a national championship two times.” 
He said it not with arrogance, although the words could have been parsed that way, but rather with an assuredness Tebow rarely reveals in his public interviews. <----BULLSHIT

Woah the Heisman? The most overrated popularity contest award on par with those surfboards they give out at teen choice awards show. No one gives a fuck about your precious hunk of shit boat anchor bowling trophy. 

I won two national championships. YAWN.

Someone want to tell this fuck stain what he did in college stopped mattering after his first snap in the NFL. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Hot Stuff


HP would like to see legislation passed mandating that anytime this specimen answers stupid questions from one of the fucking comedian anchors on THE OCHO, he does so via phone or with a paper bag over his head.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

An open letter to the Oakland Bengals

See this photo. Take a GOOD, LONG look at it. Study it for at least 10 minutes which is 5 minutes longer you spend on the playbook. Let it sink in. We'll get back to it.

Congratulations on another stellar acquisition. TJ Houshmandzadeh. Hopefully you will have all the letters sewn onto his jersey so he can play Sunday. Yet, another former Bengal and one whos been sitting around the house blowing farts into a couch cushion while playing Madden. Maybe you can free up some space and get Ickey Woods to suit up again.

Back to the picture. This holy rolling second son of God brings his pious religion and unique brand of quarterbacking to the black hole Sunday. AND SO HELP ME GOD IF HE WINS THERE, I AM DONE WITH YOU RAIDERS. Do whatever it is you have to do. TO WIN. Pretend you have the ability to play this game correctly. Method act. If you will. Show up at practice. Work hard and shove that football down this embarrassments throat. Cause if the egg is on your face. It will never wash off.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Football


I'm still savoring the sweet sweet sauza Sunday spectacular. In my tis tebow time poncho of course. I don't know what he has further up his ass. A crucifix or a horseshoe. Or both? He can't throw a fucking pass. Can't spot a wide open receiver can't check down gets sacked and sacked yet miraculously wins against the dreaded fins. And now well hear how amazing he is. How he needs a little more time to develop. How about how he does against a team that has won a game this year. All I know is I'm gona start praying to his God cause amazingly chicken shit is turned into salad. Amen.
Very impressed by the 62 pts nawlins hung on another loser team. Bill Belicunt would be proud with running that score up. Hope another tsunami blows into the big sleazy.
And Carson Palmer was super effective. I thought he might of failed miserably seeing as how he's been blowing farts into a couch cushion while playing Madden for the past year. Slap the franchise tag on this guy

Sunday, August 7, 2011

HP's Official Guide To Asshole Spotting

Its tough. Sometimes they invade your personal space before you have the opportunity to flee. But. With this patented guide, spotting a fucking asshole will be a cinch.

Aviator Shades: Well. Well. Look at you 'Ponch' Poncherello. Looking hipster asshole chic and CHIPs sharp all in one neat little package. Too bad, those bad ass shades are not mirrored on the inside, so you can see what we see in them, ya know, besides ourselves laughing at you. A fucking trendsetting wannabe fuckstain whose style will be passe before I finish typing this....sentence. Guess that future wasn't so bright, that you had to wear shades.

But wait. Perhaps your a pilot? Howard Hughes. Aviator of those unfriendly skies. Or as I like to refer to you as. ASSHOLE. Or glorified bus driver, Take your pick. Both apply. What are you and your union sisters crying about this week? How down trodden you are? How you should be making millions to work for Peoples Express or whatever prestigious airline you fly for? With that. I agree. You should be making millions a year working for an airline. Only snag is you went to flight school. When you should of got your MBA, so you too can gut your precious airline. But hey. Its cool. You get to sleep in crew rooms and have some 75 year old skank blow you on layovers. How could you possibly complain? You never hear greyhound bus drivers bitch and moan. Why must we always hear you?

Although, You do a hell of a job when I fly. I do appreciate you getting on the blower and giving us your evening at the improv  comedy routine. Ya, know the whole "We'll be landing in Barbados instead of Moose Knunckle, WY." BAWWW HA HA, Fucking, laugh, riot. Tho. I really appreciate you getting on the mic and giving me a turn by turn rundown of the flight plan. AHHHH (static)AHHHH we'll be flying over Scranton, PA....AHHHH (FUZZZZZZZ) (STATIC) 5 minutes of pointless bullshit minutia details, I cant hear cause of the crying kid next to me. This flight plan info would be great if A. We weren't 30K feet in the air so I could take pictures. B. I wasn't in the aisle seat passed out from $7 minis of Absolute. C. I gave a fuck. Your job is to get me there. Fast and efficient. In this fucking filthy 30 year old piece of shit means of transportation with as little interaction as possible. Just like a good bus driver should. Thanks Kramden!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Fox


http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/?sh=in-the-flow-with-affion-crockett

Fox you've done it again! 13 days til this show premiers and 14 til its canceled. Did I mention its produced by Willie Beamen? The promo for this stinky piece of shit really hammers it home, as if a halfassed Ali G show knockoff isn't enough incentive to watch. Produced by? Who gives a fuck? I never got that? (voice of god) FROM THE PRODUCERS OF, like I give a fuck who shelled out coin to sit around on the set and blow farts into a directors chair with their name on it and call themselves producer.

SOS!! SAVE OUR SLOBS

http://blog.games.yahoo.com/blog/866-xbox-addict-dies-from-blood-clot/

Action must be taken now!!! Wont someone PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN! How would you like us to nanny state this tragic epidemic? Perhaps you could send me a list of all the fat ass, chalk faced, lazy video game addicts and I could make house calls and go and pry their clawed talons from their xbox controllers, get them up, walk around the dank basement which they inhabit. Fluff their beanbag chairs for them, shift them around every couple of hours so their enlarged hearts don't explode. Oh, were all willing to do what it takes to save your poor children, since your helpless and have reared a complete and total mental defective. This is a crippling addiction. I wont sit idly by while more, in this case budding scholars of higher learning fall victim to this. The Hallowed halls of The University of Leicester will be darkened. Think of all he had to do to gain acceptance to this prestigious institution. Mainly opening the front door. Which I'm sure was a feat for him in itself.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The end of the world


http://www.phillyburbs.com/entertainment/local_entertainment/tim-robbins-music-debut-has-been-a-long-time-coming/article_c9315f6e-c3c8-5ce5-891a-89e04c165a9e.html

Fear not worried Americans, all your troubles have been answered! Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh AKA Andy the convict repeatedly forcibly ass raped at Shawshank Prision AKA Tim Robbins has released an album! This will make for wonderful background music for when people start blowing their brains out when the economy totally collapses! Thanks Tim.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

HP's Plea


In the wake of an over enthusiastic sports super fan who got a little too excited over a 99 cent baseball tossed to him and fell to his death. HP is urging lawmakers to stop worrying about unimportant issues like this debt ceiling and its the economy stupid, redundant topics of the day and finally pass legislation outlawing baseballs being tossed to fans. Its FAR to dangerous! Perhaps a net installed around the perimeter of baseball fields will safeguard us from....well, US. Or pass a law requiring each and every American to wear a safety suit anytime we leave our homes. Think John Travolta in boy in the plastic bubble as a guide to what said safety suit will look like. And wave goodbye to plastic beads tossed to drunk assholes at Mardi Gras and put down the t shirt cannon! Haven't we learned from the tragic passing of Maude Flanders that cheap giveaways thrown to people is the leading cause of death of fucking idiots?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Douche of the day

 I would never get on the plane with this fucking douche. What a fucking freak. Let me get this straight, you don't let a guy on the plane for not pulling up his pants but you let this freak on?

DOUCHE OF THE DAY



Acceptable airline attire.

I read as it's breading left. Just tap it on in

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Royal Limey Wedding.


HP will be sending a correspondent to England to cover the royal load of bullshit wedding. Perhaps to cover the wedding night royal fisting of that chick whos too hot for that limey douche bag.

She rates very high on our stroke scale.

Raymer is a bitch.

With them shutting down online gaming halls where am I going to go to get bad beats handed to me by some 15 year old internet badass sitting in his underwear? Its not gambling....its skill. RIGHT. And rubbing your hand rapidly on you dong isn't masterbating...its therapy.


http://www.webpronews.com/poker-players-are-victims-says-raymer-2011-04

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Douche of the Day

Prank leaves man superglued to toilet seat at


Walmart



I think I would rather shit myself than to use a toilet at Wal-Mart. If it's an emegency fucking hover.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/04/prank-leaves-man-superglued-to-public-toilet-seat-at-walmart/1

Worst part is he had to go to hospital with the fucking toilet attacted!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Breaking the Ice

I once met a guy at work who on the first time we worked together preceded to tell me that he once woke up in Mexico with a condom hanging out of his ass. True story.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Breaking News!

This just in to our news room:


Japanese officials fear 1000s of Hello Kitty stores have been destroyed from tsunami....

100s of 1980s themed discos and restaurants feared destroyed....

Natural disaster + asshole with twitter access = the healing begins...

Breaking news Godzilla attack rocks japan...

Horny American businessmen are pledging millions to help displaced tran-sexual prostitutes in Japan due to the Earthquake...

This Tsunami nonsense is interfering with 24/7 Charlie Sheen. Can we get back to what really matters? Winning!

President Obama is prepared to tap the national oil reserve. And I'm prepared to tap a waffle house waitress at 3am if the night doesn't go as planned.

We will be raffling off 2 refurbished WANG computers, all proceeds go to victims of the disaster.

George Takei is organizing a celebrity karaoke benefit concert for victims Details to follow




Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Good Samaritan

http://www.chicagotribune.com/chibrknews-naked-man-says-he-rescued-unconscious-woman-from-hot-tub-20110308,0,5709079.story

"Naked man says he rescued woman from hot tub:
A naked man found with an unconscious woman on a hotel-room bed told police he had rescued her from a hot tub when she passed out, according to an official."

This exact same scenario has happened to me on more than one occasion so I feel I'm an authority on the matter. The initial reaction would be to call 911 when a woman passes out. IN THEORY. Yes. That would make sense. But, wheres the fun in that? Why should you let some horny paramedic have his way with her in a ambulance when you can? Granted its a pain in the ass to drag a lifeless body through a hotel without being noticed, that's why luggage carts come in handy. So take her back to the room. Get naked, beat off on her, take some pics to post on Facebook to impress your friends. Shes putty in your sick mentally disturbed hands.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Douche of the Day

This guy is an idiot. All that money and not even a hand job, but he sure got fucked. He's probably at home polishing his gun thinking about where to shoot himself.

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-naperville-man-sends-200000-to-fake-online-girlfriend-20110227,0,4026287.story



Friday, February 25, 2011

Modern Banking

You ever seen these Chase bank commercials with the cool music and I'm so cool I can bank with my smartphone hipster assholes? I CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF MY CHECK AND DEPOSIT IT? WOHA!!!! You just swayed me to putting my shekels in your vault. Is it possible that I could take a picture of my cock and could you deposit it in your ASS? WOW. When did banking become so cool?

Carlos Estevez

Oh Charles, look what you've done now.  You might as well kiss that piece of shit sitcom goodbye now. Loved to read your letter on TMZ.com. Relax people it was the same dick and fart joke over and over again. Glad to see it go. What porn star will he beat up/ pork next?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Friday Night Delights

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Not Taking what their giving. Cause working for a living SUCKS

Thank you for expressing interest in this position. Would you like to schedule an time to  come in for an interview?

Oh boy. WOULD I?!?!? Tis my lucky day! A job interview. If I play my cards right I just might land this coveted dream job of wearing a neon reflective vest and shagging shopping carts in a parking lot. (fingers crossed)

But I gotta play it cool. I have to ace that interview. Gotta use that panache that has made me the titan of industry that I am thus far.

I like to show up "fashionably late" for an interview. I feel an hour is pretty fashionable. Rock bands never start a concert on time. Why should I give a shit about time?

They like to start in with the hand shaking and we've gone over your resume and think you would be a perfect candidate.....

Not me! I like to get pro active. Show them how confident I am. I like to walk in. Look around the room and pause a second, then make comment how this room has amazing feng shui (big words impress and show that your educated and cultured) Then proceed to throw a chair out the nearest window....It had bad energy. Ripping a rather steamy frozen Mexican dinner tinged aromatic fart when you walk in and shooting the interviewer a wink is also first impression gold.

Please, take a seat...

I usually say I would like to. But, due to a ruptured hemorrhoid I find sitting on chairs challenging. Mind if I lay on the floor?

Then they want to talk about the job.

I hate lying to people, so I like to lay my cards on the table first.

Look...dude (always scores points when interviewing with a woman) Lets dispense with the formalities, the only reason why I got up before 3PM today to come here is two fold. A: The great state in which I live told me they would cut my unemployment stipend if I didn't actively look for employment. I can't....no I WONT let them take that away from me, its afforded me this lifestyle Ive grown accustomed to. A rich and rewarding life of sleeping all day. Not showering for days on end. Watching every porno the internet has to offer and masterbating into a tube sock. and B: The old lady mentioned something in passing that if I didn't get off my lazy ass and go "look" for a job me and my shit would be on the front yard. So, that's what brings me here today. If you want to sit around and shoot the shit for a while about this job. That cool, I got time before I have to catch the bus.
 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What A Good Reason To Do It

Here's a good reason to off yourself. My tits aren't big enough. Brilliant! I guess her tips at the the Jiggly Room weren't as good as with HUGE tits. Yeah real good idea to off yourself because your kids don't need you or anything.


http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2011/02/16/2011-02-16_woman_who_claims_worlds_largest_breasts_sheyla_hershey_in_a_coma_after_suicide_a.html

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Billy Ray.....

Ah Billy Ray. The King of the perfect sexy hair cut. We are so thrilled to find out that you are blaming Hanna Montana for ruining your family. Why don't you just come out and say that your daughter fucked up your family. And tell Miley that you hate her because of it. Sounds to us like that is what you really meant.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Jersey Whore

Does this face scream I would suck cock to get ahead in life? Maybe she already has....

Re Twatter

nbc_sports Brazilian great Ronaldo reportedly to announce retirement Monday. http://bit.ly/hvkXNU

Ah! FUCK!! Are you serious? I was hoping to fill the void football left in my life with soccer. But with Geraldo not playing anymore it wont be the same. It will just be another lame fucking sport.

Re Twatter

GiulianaRancic Another pic of Lady Gaga just arriving at Grammys!!! She's incubating! http://twitpic.com/3zhj6a

Oh really? What a coincidence..... I'm also incubating.....a rather large fiber rich turd. Its release date is momentarily. I'm starting to crown. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

Random Thoughts

I love spam. I win the nigerian lottery daily. Send 10K US to release the funds. Oh ok. I'm on my way to the bank. How about I release in your face. Ah a blog post. Fun with spam. I think its easier to talk about the blog then actually blog. Damn you laziness!!!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

There's a asteroid coming!

Pack your shit now cause there's an asteroid coming straight for earth. Make those bucket lists now because you only have 25 years until it gets there. Maybe Lindsey Lohan will be out of jail by then and Justin Beiber will have off'd himself (doing all of us a favor, I keed I keed).

OH SHIT








Sunday, February 6, 2011

Happy Sauza Sunday!

As Da Coach says, Sauza! Have a fun fun super sunday and don't lose too much money on the game. We are taking the over on the national anthem. Good prob bet. The pack will win the toss also. We expect a cut on your winnings. Just deposit them in the donation box in the upper right. We need beer and cigarette money, oh and boos too. Must have boos to get by (helps with the writing).

Ah no super bears in the Super Bowl. Too bad cause they sucked anyway. 



SAUZA!